if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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