I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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