cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
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