So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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