If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
