I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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