I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
