the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
