Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
