i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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