i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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