nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I'm at about main and main street
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
