Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
