Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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