I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
