Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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