I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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