Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
