do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
