My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
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