All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Randomize
