2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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