Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
On imdb the canadians say It's amazing
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
