oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
