Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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