im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
