He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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