I can feel you judging me through the phone.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
It's blow job season.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
This is my gift to your gina
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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