Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
is that a dick in a sweater?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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