Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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