I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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