Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
