i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
