I wish I only lived at night.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
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