when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
