that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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