By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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