No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize