I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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