the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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