turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Randomize
