I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I think I am morally bankrupt
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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