I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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