Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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