Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
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