We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
