I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
