I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
