I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
