Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
