my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
