So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
