He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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