No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
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