I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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