I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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