hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
