omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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