I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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