...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
