hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
