The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
