so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
